Beware the Super Juice!

Characters:

Oliver Eisenberg: (formerly known as Honkers the Clown) Worked as clown at Hoffharlow Circus for the past 18 years.

Ringmaster Ronnie: Ringmaster of Hoffharlow Circus; plans to take over the circus staff and then the world

Mr. Wiggles: Oliver’s ex-partner; co-conspirator of Ringmaster Ronnie

Allen Donney: Soup kitchen worker; befriends Oliver

Connie Besden: (also known as Sparky the Clown) Works at Hoffharlow Circus; Oliver’s best friend at the circus

Captain Hammel: Captain of the local police force

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Scene One: Hoffharlow Circus Administration Building - Ringmaster Ronnie’s Office

(Oliver is waiting nervously for Ringmaster Ronnie to arrive. Black curtains shield all of the windows in the medium-sized office, creating an ominous atmosphere.)

(Enter Ringmaster Ronnie)

Ringmaster Ronnie: (in a smug, condescending tone) Ah, Honkers. I can see that you received my message.

Oliver: (uncomfortably) Yeah, Wiggles told me. Is there a problem sir?

Ringmaster Ronnie: Yes Honkers, unfortunately there is a problem. (Ringmaster Ronnie pulls out an unmarked video tape and smacks it down unto his desk loudly) We have video footage of you feeding Lucinda, our prize elephant, a large quantity of chocolate. (Ringmaster Ronnie clicks his tongue disapprovingly)
Oliver: (In a confused tone) Oh. (Pauses briefly) Is that all?
Ringmaster Ronnie: Is that all Honkers? Is that all? I don’t think you comprehend the serious consequences your foolish actions could have caused.
Oliver: I was just trying to help sir. Lucinda looked like she was having a bad day, so I let her have half of my Mars bar. Besides, I didn’t know elephants were allergic to chocolate.
Ringmaster Ronnie: Most elephants aren’t Honkers. But our Lucinda, well, she’s a very special elephant. (Ringmaster Ronnie pats his heart several times for emphasis)
Oliver: I understand now sir and I am extremely sorry. Maybe I should go apologize to Lucinda now. (Oliver begins to get out of his chair)
Ringmaster Ronnie: We are not done here Honkers. As I was saying before, your imprudence could have cost the circus thousands of dollars. Elephants are quite expensive these days. I’m afraid I can no longer tolerate your antics here at Hoffharlow.
Oliver: Excuse me sir?
Ringmaster Ronnie: Don’t get me wrong, you were a great clown. And if I recall correctly, you were here with us when Hoffharlow was first founded. (Begins counting his short stubby fingers but then gives up) Eighteen years now is it? Time really does fly. I know Wiggles is really going to hate replacing you.
Oliver: (meekly) I’m…fired?
Ringmaster Ronnie: (looks up at Oliver incredulously) Yes, Honkers, that is what this entire conversation has been about. You have about the attention span of a five year-old. No wonder I’m canning you.
(Oliver stares at Ringmaster Ronnie, speechless)
Ringmaster Ronnie: By the way, I’ll expect your clown suit in my office first thing tomorrow morning. Ironed. And don’t forget the nose.
Oliver: (timidly) Ringma - … err.. Ronnie, I…err…before I leave, I thought you might like to know that a lot of the staff have been acting weird lately.
Ringmaster Ronnie: (in a nervous, high-pitched voice) Oh? How so?
Oliver: I can’t really put my finger on it. No one has been acting like themselves. Actually they all kind of act the same. Sparky, she doesn’t even -
Ringmaster Ronnie: (cutting Oliver off) What an interesting observation Honkers. However, I am sure it is nothing. You know the saying, ‘clowns will be clowns’! (Ringmaster Ronnie chuckles nervously) Remember, I want that clown suit on my desk first thing tomorrow morning.
Scene Two: The basement of Hoffharlow Circus Administration Building
(The basement is scattered with old circus relics and outdated funhouse mirrors. Ringmaster Ronnie and Mr. Wiggles are seated around an old table adorned with a giant map of the world containing a large ‘X’ over the state of Montana. The two seem to be having a heated conversation.)
Ringmaster Ronnie: He knows too much Wiggles. We have to get rid of him before he uncovers our master plan!
Wiggles: Get rid of him? You already fired him; he is no longer a threat.
Ringmaster Ronnie: (Bangs fist on the table) Yes, and I am trying to tell you that he is on to us. He noticed the staff was acting strangely. He is a threat.
Wiggles: (rubs his red clown nose apprehensively) I still don’t get it. Why didn’t the Super Juice work on him? If it had we wouldn’t have this problem.
Ringmaster Ronnie: It’s those blasted Mars bars. He eats them every day. Something in those candy bars counteracted the Super Juice.
Wiggles: Darn them! (As an afterthought) Well regardless, we have more urgent matters now. Phase II is almost complete. If everything continues accordingly, we can start selling Super Juice to the public very soon. Then, once the American masses are under our control, we can move on to the rest of North America.
Ringmaster Ronnie: I don’t understand how Honkers’s knowledge of our plans is not (making quote signs with his fingers) ‘urgent.’ He could put our entire plan in jeopardy. Everything we have worked for all these years. All that Super Juice!
Wiggles: Ronald! Please just let me do my job. You and I, we are certainly partners, but we each have our own special talents. You make that delectable Super Juice of yours, and I make all the intelligent decisions. (soothingly) Trust me, Honkers is not a problem.
Ringmaster Ronnie: Yes, I suppose you are right.
Wiggles: Besides, even if he did uncover our plan, how could he possibly stop us? The entire circus is already under our control.
Ringmaster Ronnie: Yes, and circus folk do make excellent fighters. They are bred for strength and agility you know. I read that somewhere.
Wiggles: (in agreement) These past 18 years we have worked hard grooming them into the perfect army. Things are turning out very well. (Wiggles darkens the ‘X’ over Montana with clown makeup and cackles evilly)
Ringmaster Ronnie: (slightly hurt) You say that like you expected otherwise.
Wiggles: Well Ronald, I have to admit, when you first approached me with the idea, I was a little skeptical that a drink was capable of mind-control.
Ringmaster Ronnie: That was the genius of my plan. Once they taste just one sip of the delicious, irresistible flavor, they are forever hooked and under our control. (proudly) I grow the secret ingredient right here in this basement.
Wiggles: (looking slightly unsettled) So this mold thing has been a hobby of yours for a while then?
Ringmaster Ronnie: Since grade school m’boy.
Scene Three: Local Soup Kitchen
(Oliver, who has lived on the streets the past three days, is being served by Allen Donney, a young man in his mid-twenties.)

Oliver: (looks uneasily at the lumpy brown soup being served to him) Hey you guys don’t happen to have any chocolate here do you?

Allen: (slightly amused) Sorry sir. Here at the Soup Kitchen we have limited resources. Besides, chocolate is not exactly the best source of nourishment.

Oliver: (desperately) Well then can I borrow a dollar?

Allen: (skeptically) Borrow a dollar?

Oliver: Come on man, I really need this! I’m desperate.

Allen: Is this really for chocolate, or for some kind of habit?

Oliver: (sheepishly) Both I guess.

Allen: Well I won’t support your drug addiction. I suggest you get yourself help.

Oliver: (surprised) What? Oh, I think you misunderstood me. It’s Mars bars.

Allen: What about them?

Oliver: They are my habit. I have had one every day of my life since I was five. But since I’ve been living on the street and deprived of them, I can’t sleep or even eat.

Allen: Hmm… still sounds like withdrawal symptoms to me. You know, what drugs cause. (glances Oliver over) What happened to you anyways?

Oliver: (blushing from embarrassment) I got kicked out of the circus. But I’d rather not talk about it.

Allen: Well that is certainly one I have never heard before. Must have been rough.

Oliver: Yeah, I guess. (long silence)

Allen: (glancing at the long line of people behind Oliver waiting to be served) Hey, my shift is ending ten minutes. What do you think about hanging around and then I’ll take you out to a real lunch. And I’ll even get you a Mars bar.

Oliver: I thought you wouldn’t support ‘my habit’.

Allen: Well I’ve changed my mind. (slowly)Yes or no?

Oliver: Yes.

Scene Four: Kung Fu Pagoda – a small Chinese restaurant

(Allen and Oliver share a comfortable booth located in the back corner of the tiny restaurant.)

Allen: So what made you join the circus anyways?

Oliver: I was fifteen and I hated my parents. They were never home. Plus, I was flunking out of school. Everything seemed like it was crashing down around me. I know its kind of a cliché these days, but running off to join the circus seemed like a great idea at the time.

Allen: Eighteen years in a circus. That’s enough to mess anyone up for life.

Oliver: (smiling) That’s what my parents said. Anyways, it may seem hard to believe, but everyone there was completely normal. They became my family.

Allen: Was normal?

Oliver: Yeah, everyone started acted really weird these past couple of months. They lost all of their personality. No one told jokes anymore. My friend Sparky, (Allen raises and eyebrow) well Connie, that’s her real name, I noticed it in her first.

Allen: (confused) What do you mean they lost their personality. People don’t just lose their personality.

Oliver: They were kind of like zombies. They didn’t really talk unless they were asked a direct question. It happened to everyone except me and my stunt partner Wiggles. It even affected the animals. In a bizarre way, that is what led to my dismissal.

Allen: The animals acting strangely led to you getting fired?

Oliver: Not exactly. One of our elephants, Lucinda, wasn’t being herself. I thought she might be having a bad day, so I gave her half of my Mars bar. I guess she was allergic to chocolate.

Allen: What? Elephants aren’t allergic to chocolate.

Oliver: That’s what I thought. Apparently, according to the ringmaster, Lucinda is a very special elephant.

Allen: Your ringmaster told you that? He sounds like a clever person.

Oliver: He is kind of a weird guy. I always had this feeling that he was up to something.

Allen: All of this sounds really shady to me. I think we should go to this circus and do some investigating on our own.

Oliver: I can’t go back there! I was fired! Everyone will laugh at me.

Allen: Now the clown doesn’t want to be laughed out.

Oliver: You know what I mean. It’s embarrassing.

Allen: You admitted yourself that something wasn’t right about that place. Do you care about your friends? Do you care about that Sparky girl? The only we can figure out what is wrong with them is to go to that circus ourselves. Besides, we are going to be secretive about it. If all goes well no one will even see us.

Oliver: (hesitantly) Okay, but only if we are extremely careful.

Allen: (claps Oliver on the back) That’s the spirit!

Scene Five: Hoffharlow Administration Building

(Oliver and Allen enter the building silently through a back door)

Allen: So where are we exactly? I don’t see a giant circus tent anywhere.
Oliver: Did you see those houses outside? (Allen nods) When we are not touring, the members of the circus live here. And this is the administration building. Ringmaster Ronnie lives here, so I figured that if we were going to find anything, it would be here.
Allen: Let’s check out the basement then. That’s always where the bad guys make their secret lair.
Oliver: Well, I was going to say Ronnie’s office, but he is probably still up there anyways, so I don’t see why not.
Scene Six: the basement of Hoffharlow Circus Administration Building
(Oliver and Allen begin to search the basement for anything suspicious)
Allen: Hey Oliver, I think I found something! (Allen leads Oliver over to a shaded corner of the basement. It is covered with a glowing mass of neon purple fungi.)
Oliver: What is that stuff?
Allen: (wrinkles nose) I don’t know, but it smells like my grandmother’s house.
Oliver: It kind of looks like fungi. Purple fungi. We’ll have to – (Oliver stops mid-sentence. Voices can be heard up stairs) (quietly) We better hide.
(Oliver and Allen quickly hide in the room’s opposite corner. They are shielded by and old chestnut wardrobe. Ringmaster Ronnie and Wiggles come bounding down the stairs.)
Wiggles: It takes a special kind of stupid to single handedly delay our plans for at least a month, and you Ronnie, are that kind of stupid.
Ringmaster Ronnie: I’m sorry Wiggles. I try, honestly I do. Anyone could have made that mistake.
Wiggles: (pulls off his nose and squeaks it menacingly in his hand) Yes Ronnie, anyone could have destroyed two thousand bottles of Super Juice. Now we have to harvest more fungi and create more juice and package more bottles before we can market it to the American public. That is at least another month now before I can take over the country.
Ringmaster Ronnie: (pleadingly) What if we didn’t have to harvest any more fungi? What if we made the circus folk do it? They are under our control after all. We’d probably only lose a couple of weeks.
Wiggles: (short pause) Yes, I suppose that could work. You’ve redeemed yourself Ronald. Now collect some fungi and I’ll summon the circus folk into the harvesting room.
Ringmaster Ronnie: (timidly) Oh, and Wiggles.

Wiggles: (sharply) What, Ronald?

Ringmaster Ronnie: What are we going to do about the Mars bars?

Wiggles: They must be destroyed Ronald. (eyes narrow) All of them.

(Wiggles and Ringmaster Ronnie exit up the stairs, arms full of fungi.)

(Allen and Oliver appear slowly from behind the wardrobe)

Allen: Whoa. This is what happens when you combine heavy LSD use with repeated viewings of Pinky and the Brain. Did you know about this Super Juice stuff?

Oliver: Yeah, a couple months ago Ronnie started handing it out like Happy Meals. He said it was some expensive imported European stuff.

Allen: Yes, Super Juice. How European sounding.

Oliver: I cannot believe Wiggles was in cahoots with Ronnie. My own stunt partner and I didn’t notice.

Allen: Which one was Wiggles? The fat one or the one who looks like the candy cane guy from Candy Land?

Oliver: Candy cane guy.

Allen: And they took over the circus with this Super Juice, and now they are trying to take over the world.

Oliver: I should have realized that this was what they were using to control everyone. The timing matches perfectly.

Allen: I still have one question: Why weren’t you affected by it?

Oliver: Didn’t you hear what they were saying? They want to destroy all the Mars bars. The candy must have protected me from the Super Juice’s effects. (Oliver pulls a Mars bar out of his pocket) We can use this to save Connie and the others.

(Oliver and Allen race up the steps and follow Ringmaster Ronnie to the harvesting room)

Scene Seven: A large room in the Hoffharlow Administration building known as ‘the harvesting room.’

(Inside the room, roughly 100 members of the Hoffharlow Circus are at work harvesting the purple fungi.)

Allen: (peeks his head into the room) These are circus people? They look like normal people to me.

Oliver: First of all, circus folk is the politically correct term. Secondly, I know this may seem hard for you to believe, but we ‘circus people’ don’t strut around all day in our uniforms. We only wear them when we are performing.

Allen: Alright, no need to get offended. (points finger into the room) So which one of them is Connie? We might as well save her first.

Oliver: There she is in the back corner.

Allen: Well, what are you waiting for? Go get her.
Oliver: Alright, but I know I’m going to get caught. (Oliver sneaks into the room. He grabs Connie by the arm and awkwardly pulls her outside. Surprisingly not one member of the circus notices or even looks up from their work.)

Allen: Nice work Bond. You’re lucky they were all too phased to notice how clumsy you were. Whatever that Wiggles guy has got them on must be some strong stuff. (Allen notices Connie for the first time) Wow, so this is Connie? She’s pretty cute for a clown.

Oliver: (rolls his eyes) Yeah, well, just help me feed her this Mars bar. She keeps trying to get back into that room.
(Allen holds Connie, who begins kicking violently)
Connie: (in a mechanical voice) Super Juice! Super Juice! Super Juice!
(Allen finally manages to hold Connie still while Oliver forces the Mars bar down her throat)
(Connie coughs several times)
Oliver: Connie, are you okay?
Connie: (confused) I think. Oliver what’s going on? I don’t feel very well.
Oliver: This is going to sound really bizarre Connie, but do you remember that Super Juice that Ronnie kept making us drink? (Connie nods) Well he and Wiggles were using it to control the members of the circus. He had you in there (Oliver points inside the harvesting room) harvesting this purple fungi with the others. Now Ronnie and Wiggles plan on taking over the world.
Connie: (bewildered) Ringmaster Ronnie and Wiggles? (thoughtfully) So that’s why those two were always running off together. How did you free me from that stuff anyways?
Oliver: I made you eat a Mars bar. Something about the chocolate counteracts the Super Juice.
Connie: You force-fed me one of those nasty candy bars? You know I hate those!
Oliver: You say it like I was running over kittens on the highway. Besides it was for your own good.
Allen: (speaking for the first time) I told him he shouldn’t feed you it if you didn’t want it. Are you okay? Did he puncture your esophagus or something?
Connie: (looking at Allen curiously) Who’s this guy?
Oliver: I met him at a soup kitchen. He was my server.
Allen: Giving back to the community is very important to me.
Connie: (ignoring Allen) Why were you at a soup kitchen?
Oliver: I got fired. Don’t you remember?
Connie: To tell you the truth, I don’t remember much at all from these past two months. Must have been the juice. (face lights up in excitement) I just thought of an idea to bring down Ringmaster Ronnie and Wiggles, but I have to check up on something first. I’ll meet you guys at my house in a half hour.
Scene Eight: Connie’s House
Oliver: (on his hands and knees searching around a potted plant) I know the key is around here somewhere.
Allen: You know where the key to her house is?
Oliver: We have been friends for twelve years. Don’t worry, we’re not dating or anything.
Allen: Oh. Was it that obvious I liked her?
Oliver: (continues searching for the key) No, I guess not.
Allen: If it was obvious, just tell me. I was trying to be subtle. But if I wasn’t, I want to know.
Oliver: I’m telling you that you weren’t obvious, okay?
Allen: You’re lying.
Oliver: Fine. You were going after her like the last turkey leg at Thanksgiving dinner. Now leave me alone so I can find the key.
(Oliver finally finds the key. He and Allen enter into the house and wait for Connie’s return)
(Connie enters the house)
Oliver: (tapping his watch) Connie, it’s 6:47. You’re twelve minutes late.
Connie: Thanks Big Ben. When I said a half-hour I didn’t realize you would be counting.
(Oliver rolls his eyes and mutters something that sounds like “someone’s irritable” under his breath)
Allen: So what’s the plan boss?
Connie: Okay, remember when I said that I trouble recalling anything from these past two months. (Oliver raises his eyebrows and Allen nods enthusiastically) Well, one of the last things I did remember was that Ringmaster Ronnie finally bought a computer. I figured that if we were going to find out anything to help us it would be on there. So I hacked onto his computer and I found a detailed day planner. Tonight they are planning on moving a large amount of their Super Juice to a warehouse in Denver Colorado. Apparently they want a base on the west coast.
Oliver: Right, so tonight would be the perfect opportunity to catch them off guard.
Connie: And that’s not all I found. Ringmaster Ronnie has one of those online journals.
Allen: No way! That old guy? I thought only teenagers wrote in those things.
Connie: Yeah, I know. The whole thing was about how he was sick of Wiggles pushing him around. Anyways, he’s planning on double-crossing Wiggles.
Oliver: What does any of this have to do with the plan though?
Connie: You’ll see in a minute. Allen, can you do something for me?
Allen: (dreamily)Yeah, anything.
Connie: Okay, go to the nearest supermarket and buy a couple hundred Mars bars. Then go free the rest of circus and meet us down in the basement.
Allen: No problem. I’ll go as fast as I can. Are king-size Mars bars acceptable?
Connie: Allen, just go.
(Allen leaves)
Connie: Oliver, we’ve got work to do.
Scene Nine: The basement of Hoffharlow Circus Administration Building
Wiggles: Just a few more bottles to load up on the truck and then I can practically check off number 8 on my list of things to do before I turn forty.
Ringmaster Ronnie: What’s that?
Wiggles: To take over the world. I’ve showed you that list ages ago. I can’t believe you don’t remember.
Ringmaster Ronnie: No, what’s that over there in the corner. (points to the chestnut wardrobe where Connie’s foot is clearly visible)
(Ringmaster Ronnie drags Oliver and Connie out sits them down in front of Wiggles)
Ringmaster Ronnie: I told you he was on to us.
Wiggles: Shut up Ronald. (turning to face Oliver and Connie) Well. Well. Well. I see by the fact that you have released Sparky, that you discovered the little flaw with this idiot’s juice. No matter, I’ll just dispose of both of you.
Oliver: It doesn’t matter that you’ve found us Wiggles. We have the whole thing on tape (dangles it in front of Wiggles face) and we’re turning it in to the police.
Wiggles: Right. I’ll just take that. (grabs tape out of Oliver’s hands and looks it over) This isn’t even a blank tape. Nice try.
Oliver: Yeah it is. We taped over whatever was on it.
Ringmaster Ronnie: (reaching over for the tape) Hey that’s my yoga tape!
Wiggles: Shut up you fat imbecile. I’m dealing with our problem here. (Deep in thought, Wiggles paces back and forth in front of the Connie and Oliver rapidly. Occasionally he rubs his clown nose in concentration.) I guess we could just make them Super Juice test subjects. Or maybe we could just leave them in the local Mars Bar factory. We were planning on blowing it up anyways.
Ringmaster Ronnie: Maybe we should just let them go. All the super cool bad guys in movies have an arch-enemy. It’s half the fun!
Wiggles: Ronald, everything you just said is completely and utterly stupid. This isn’t a movie and our enemies here aren’t going to play into your deluded fantasies of cops and robbers. They are going to turn us in.
Connie: Maybe we’re not your real enemy Wiggles.
Wiggles: What’s that supposed to mean?
Connie: Your partner over there (points to a cowering Ringmaster Ronnie) wrote this on his online journal.

Wiggles: (to Ringmaster Ronnie) You have one of those? (snatches the paper out of Connie’s hands and reads aloud) Dear Diary, Wiggles is so mean. Every day he yells at me and calls me stupid. Sometimes I get the feeling that he doesn’t like me at all. It’s just like high school all over again. I’m sick and tired of him pushing me around all the time. After all, I’m the one who discovered the Super Juice. I should get credit. Maybe tonight I’ll get him to drink a special batch of Super Juice and he’ll be under my control. (to Ringmaster Ronnie) So that was what that wine bottle was all about. It wasn’t a present, it was an attempt to stab me in the back!

Ringmaster Ronnie: (squirming) Listen to me Wiggles, it was nothing. You know how people write things in the heat of the moment.

Wiggles: No Ronald, I don’t! I thought we were friends! I told you things: my hopes, dreams, and aspirations. I can’t believe you would –

(Wiggles is cut off by a storm of people entering the room: a dozen cops and around 100 angry circus folk, led by Allen)

Captain Hammel: Ronald Dougall and Nancy Sullivan, you are under arrest for the high treason against your country.

Oliver: Wiggles’s real name is Nancy?

Allen: No wonder he was so messed up.

Ringmaster Ronnie: (whimpering) It was him officer! He coerced me and controlled me with my own juice. I tried to fight him I really did!

Wiggles: Not true officer. Do you see the way he lies? He’s a psychopath! He’s been growing this mold for years. Then he threatened my life if I didn’t help him.

Captain Hammel: (grabs tape out of Wiggles’s hands) We’ll clear this up at the station boys. After I watch this videotape I’m sure it will clear both of your names.

Ringmaster Ronnie: Never! You’ll never catch me. (Ronnie begins to run towards the back-entrance of the building but is attacked my Susie the Acrobat, who looks quite unhappy.)

Captain Hammel: They always run.

(Captain Hammel escorts Ringmaster Ronnie and Wiggles outside into a waiting police car)

Wiggles: (from outside) This is all your fault Ronald!

(Wiggles and Ronnie can be heard fighting in the distance as the scene shifts back to Connie, Allen, and Oliver.)

Connie: (to Allen) You really saved us there Allen. I didn’t even think about calling the police. I thought the angry mob of circus folk would do them in for sure.

Allen: (blushing) Well, I try.

Oliver: Come on you two, we had better get out of here. We’ll probably have to make some kind of statement to the police down at the station. Besides, this basement really does smell.

The End