Smooth Criminal (by Xtina)

List of Characters:
Julie – Grumpy 18-year-old girl who isn’t humored by her brother’s Christmas gift
Ben – Julie’s older brother who doesn’t realize that the gift he bought for his sister is more than what he bargained for.
Nathan – Julie’s 12-year-old brother who is only a small part in a very evil scheme.
Mrs. Greenwald – Weary of Julie’s claims about her Christmas gift.
Michael Jackson Action Figure – Hellish nightmare of a doll with a detachable nose; chip off the ol’ block. Has a slightly higher voice than the real man.
Michael Jackson – Indescribable. Trying to pull off an illegal scheme that could destroy the world.
Worker – One of the many who are helping Michael Jackson and his evil plot.
Policeman one – Puts Michael Jackson dolls in their place.
Policeman two – Aware of the dangerous task at hand.

Scene 1
[The sounds of various machines are heard out of the darkness. A pale, nose-less white face is seen as the lights slowly illuminate a busy factory. Evil cackles fill the air as mini Michael Jackson dolls are spewed from a main machine.]
Michael Doll: If somebody announced that all kids are dead, I would jump off a balcony immediately!
Michael: There we go! More, more, more! We don’t want to get behind on our spring line! Everyone should enjoy seeing Michael Jackson in pastels!
[A worker in a brown uniform enters, visibly upset.]
Worker: Excuse me, Michael?
Michael: What is it? Be quick about it!
Worker: It’s just that, we’re… um… out of… you know.
Michael: Already? My, my, my love will sure be entering many households this month. [giggles girlishly]
[Michael walks over to a nearby table and picks up his nose. He removes a small portion and hands it to the worker.]
Michael: There you go. It’s some of the last that’s actually natural. That should last us another two thousand at least. I just want to make sure that a little of me is with every child who buys a doll.
[The worker is clearly bothered. She looks around tensely and gazes at Michael for a few seconds.]
Worker: Do you honestly think that parents will buy these things for their children? It’s just… so…. wrong!
Michael: What are you saying? The police may not trust me, but surely the parents of America understand! When I was acquitted, it was a clear sign that adults understand me, even if I don’t understand them! [shaking] Children are what make the sun shine!
Worker: [mumbling] I knew I should have applied at Wal-Mart instead.
[The curtain closes as we see Michael watching diligently over the creation of his dolls.]
Scene 2
[The sounds of sleigh bells jingling are distinctly heard as we first view the Greenwald’s abode. The only light visible is the one emanating from the Christmas tree; the tinsel is sparkling and the rainbow colored lights glow happily. The sleigh bells stop suddenly and the theme from “Psycho” begins as a stage light shines upon a rectangular Christmas gift, wrapped in jolly reindeer wrapping paper with wads of tape conspicuously added on as an afterthought.]
[Julie enters.]
Julie: [cheerfully] Hmmm……
[Julie wanders around the Christmas tree, as if looking for a specific gift. Ben enters behind]
Julie: I hope that what you bought me this year is better than a sponge dinosaur that magically grows in the sink.
Ben: Very funny, and by the way, it was a seahorse.
Julie: OK, whatever, now where’s my present?

[Ben pulls out the rectangular gift that was highlighted in the beginning of the scene]
Julie: Well, you wrapped it this year, so that’s a definite improvement
Ben: [aggravated] Just open it!
[Julie slowly pulls the ribbon off, afraid of what she will find inside. After tearing apart the wrapping paper and discovering what Ben has given her, her face contorts into something between humor and disgust. A Michael Doll Jackson action figure lies inside the box, complete with a glitter vest and a white complexion. He is also donning a Santa hat for the holidays.]
Julie: Wow… I really don’t know what to say.
Ben: Just tell me that it’s the most amazing gift you’ve ever been given.
Julie: [sarcastically] And with a detachable nose – how lifelike!
Ben: Don’t forget that he can talk!
[Ben pulls a string the doll’s back.]
Michael Doll: If loving children is a crime, then I am guilty as charged!
Ben: [makes the doll moonwalk] You can’t tell me that this thing isn’t cool! And look! If you fill out this little survey you can win a grand prize trip to his Neverland Ranch! Don’t tell me that that’s never been a dream of yours! Maybe you’ll get to see Blanket or something! [chuckles]
Julie: Guess what? If I end up winning, I’ll let you go! I’m sure that you and Mikey would really bond. You both have mental issues.
Ben: Thanks. Since you were so generous, I’d probably get you a key chain or something.
Julie: [disturbed] You know what? I’m just going to put this in my room. All of the sparkles on his vest are hurting my eyes.
Ben: You like it… right?
Julie: [assuringly] Of course I do! It’s just that I can’t handle all of this excitement.
[Julie and Ben exit.]
Scene 3
[It is night and Julie is sound asleep. The alarm clock on her nightstand reads 3:07. Out of the silence comes a screeching voice.]
Michael Doll: I’m never gonna grow up! I’m Peter Pan!
[Julie wakes up with a start.]
Julie: [grumpily] I thought I turned you off!
[She grudgingly gets up and takes Michael Doll off of her dresser. The figurine is already turned off.]
Michael Doll: I love climbing trees and eating milk and cookies!
Julie: We’ll see how much you like this!
[Julie throws Michael Doll into the hallway and jumps back into her bed. A thump is heard as the Michael doll hits a wall.]
Michael Doll: [From afar] Little boys are like presents – they need to be cherished!
[Julie puts a pillow over her head and groans.]
Scene 4
[Julie sleepily enters the kitchen where Mrs. Greenwald and Julie’s younger brother Nathan are seated.]
Mrs. Greenwald: Wow, Julie… you look… unhappy.
Julie: That’s probably because that screwy plastic piece of crap that Ben bought me kept waking me up last night.
Mrs. Greenwald: Well, isn’t there an “off” switch?
Julie: It was off! It must be defective, just like the real guy.
Mrs. Greenwald: You know, his childhood is what caused him to be like he is, you really should have pity for the poor soul.
Julie: [staring at her mother with a scowl on her face] Well, I grew up with that leech Ben, isn’t that disturbing enough? I don’t carry an umbrella around with me claiming I have a skin disorder.
Mrs. Greenwald: [sighs] Maybe you should give it to Nathan, then. He must like it, anyway. It was in his bedroom this morning.
Nathan: [with a mouthful of cereal] I thought Julie put it in there!
Julie: I threw it in the hallway last night, but there’s no way it could’ve gotten all the way down to your bedroom. It’s OK, Nathan; you can just admit that you want it for your own!
Nathan: Ewww, I do not! I already stepped on its stupid nose that was lying in the middle of my bedroom floor!
Julie: [smirking] OK, buddy. Whatever you say.
Michael Doll: [from the distance] Let’s take a ride on my Ferris wheel and eat cupcakes!
[Laughter is heard from another room. Moments later, Ben enters cradling the Michael Doll Jackson doll in his arms. He is grinning broadly, apparently entertained by the doll. Suddenly, the theme music from “Psycho” ensues and the doll’s eyes seem to glow with glee for a split second. Julie gasps.]
Julie: [pointing at the doll madly] Did you…. did you…. did you see what it just did?
Ben: What? This? [pulls on the string]
Michael Doll: Rainbows, daisies, tootsie rolls! Let’s go play on my swing set!
Julie: [looking at Mrs. Greenwald] You saw it, didn’t you?
Mrs. Greenwald: Yes, I saw it talk. I don’t know what you’re getting so worked up about. Can’t you just be happy with your brother’s gift?
Julie: Ben? Please, take it back and exchange it for a sponge leprechaun for all I care!
Ben: Sorry, no refunds on seasonal merchandise. [pointing to Michael Doll’s head] Note the Santa hat!
Julie: I don’t care if you keep that thing until all of the sparkles blind you, but just keep it away from me! [storms away]
Ben: Jeez, if she wanted a repeat of what I got her last year she should have just said so.
Mrs. Greenwald: [pats Ben on the head] It’s OK, dear, I think she’s just going through a phase.
Scene 5
[Julie and her Mom visit Target for some post-holiday shopping. Julie approaches the stacks of Michael Jackson dolls and shudders. She sees an array of varieties of the doll – she sees him in military garb, in a space suit, in swimming trunks, and wearing an exterminator’s suit with a large rat stamped on the front.]
Mrs. Greenwald: Wow, he’s really targeting all audiences, isn’t he?
Julie: Looks like it. God forbid the young exterminators feel excluded, huh?
[The ringing of a cell phone sounds from Mrs. Greenwald’s purse.]
Mrs. Greenwald: [opening the cell phone] Ben?
[Mrs. Greenwald’s face becomes increasingly more disturbed. Her mouth widens in horror as Ben’s indistinguishable voice becomes louder.]
Mrs. Greenwald: [tossing the cell phone back in her purse] We have to go!
Julie: [extremely frightened] Wha-what?
[A huge crash is heard from behind them. As Julie turns around she screams. The Michael Jackson dolls that she had been looking at are no longer in their containers. The lights suddenly blink off and scattered shrieks are heard. A few moments later massive footsteps are heard and dispersed rays from flashlights are seen. Julie looks around and is appalled. An astronaut Michael Jackson is seen floating through the air yelling something about children and sunflowers as a policeman battles the military Michael Jackson. Phrases from the dolls overpower any other noise and Julie and Mrs. Greenwald cover their ears in sheer terror. The lights come on once again.]
Policeman one: I think that’s all of them!
Policeman two: [wiping sweat from his forehead] The one with a rat on its shirt almost got me!
Policeman one: We’d better go; I heard that Wal-Mart has ten times as many. It seems like it’s the kids they’re after.
Policeman two: [nods] OK, People, there’s nothing left to see here. Go back to your homes and don’t let your children out of your sight!
Julie: Mom! Come on, they’re going to hurt Nathan!
[Julie and Mrs. Greenwald are seen running feverishly as the curtain falls.]
Scene 6
[The living room is silent except for the figure of Nathan sitting Indian style, only the back of his head visible. Julie and Mrs. Greenwald enter, extremely disheveled.]
Mrs. Greenwald: Nathan – honey – where’s Ben?
[Nathan is whispering, and then laughs. The theme from “Psycho” once again plays. Slowly, he turns around. His eyes are glowing orange. He is holding the Michael Jackson doll and smiling widely. He points towards the kitchen eerily. A spotlight shines on a partial view of the kitchen that is visible from the doorway. Ben is passed out on the floor, his arms and legs sprawled out in awkward positions.]
Michael Doll: Let’s go play Jacks!
Nathan: [innocently] Mommy, can we buy truck driver Michael?
Mrs. Greenwald: Sure, honey, just put the doll down….slowly…
Nathan: [putting his ear up to the doll] Mommy, Michael wants to talk to you.
[Mrs. Greenwald tears the doll away from her son and brutally steps on it. It tries to retaliate, but it utters only “sugar candy” as it is destroyed. Nathan shrieks, but his eyes stop glowing and he looks around, tremendously confused.]
Julie: My god, and I thought that the growing dinosaur sponge was bad.
Mrs. Greenwald: Next year, how about we stick to gift certificates?
[The prostrate figure of Ben begins to groan and he makes spastic movements. He slowly recovers and they help him up. The lights slowly dim to blackness, and the Christmas tree is the only source of light. The curtain falls. ]