It's a Small World After All

Characters:

Lisa Bolden – Middle-aged Disney fanatic; moody
Sally Swann – Another middle-aged Disney fanatic; submissive and a compulsive eater
Edwin Jones – Regular at Disney conventions; a little obsessive and over-energetic
Nick Barber – President of the Official Disney Fan Club
Babette “Babs” Best – Member of the Midwestern Alliance of Disney Fanatics


Scene One – The home of Sally Swann

(Lisa, a petite middle-aged woman with stringy, brown hair waits outside of a small rundown trailer. The trailer is covered with tacky Mickey Mouse lights, and a large technicolor “What Would Mickey Do?” poster hangs on the front door. Lisa taps her foot impatiently until, finally, the door of the trailer creaks open.)

Sally: (smiles timidly while the eight arms attached to her purple outfit jiggle nervously) Sorry I’m late. This costume took forever to put on. The arms kept whacking into things. (she lifts one of the fat purple pool noodles attached to her grotesque purple sweat suit. Her hand releases it unenthusiastically and it hangs limply at her side.) Poor Roger will never be the same (she looks over at a small rabbit scrunched in the corner of the room and sniffs dramatically.)

Lisa: (stuffily) I don’t need your excuses Sally; just don’t let it happen again.

Sally: (eyes Lisa’s Princess Jasmine outfit greedily) (innocently) Your outfit is pretty.

Lisa: Some people are just born to be princesses. (She jangles the bangles crowding her wrist and smiles smugly.) (In a patronizing, saccharine voice) You make a very convincing Ursula, Sally.

Sally: (pouts and pulls a Mickey Mouse shaped cookie out of her oversized ‘Walt Disney World 100th Anniversary Celebration’ purse) But I hate being Ursula. She has a raspy voice and crazy spider hair! (nibbles on Mickey’s ear fretfully)

Lisa: (sternly) Well, I’m sorry that you eat those nasty Mickey Mouse cookies everywhere you go. It’s not my fault that you have the figure of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. (glances at watch busily) Your little feast is making us late for the Convention. You need to come with me now.

(Lisa strides purposefully to her rusty, old Ford. Sally follows obediently, like a well-trained dog, cookie still in hand.)

Scene Two – The Disney Fan Convention

(Sally and Lisa enter into a giant building. Inside are thousands of men, women, and children dressed as various Disney characters. The room is a giant clash of color. Tacky Disney posters and merchandise cover every inch of the walls. In the center of the room is a disgustingly large Mickey Mouse statue.)

Lisa: Doesn’t it feel great to be a part of the largest group of Disney fanatics in the world, Sally? (sighs lovingly) I can already smell the aroma of cheap Disney perfume.

Sally: (Sally’s blue eyes are wide open in wonder) (simply) Look at all the pretty costumes!

(Lisa scans the room approvingly. As her eyes near the giant Mickey Mouse statue, she jumps back in alarm)

Lisa: (in a hushed voice) Edwin is coming.

(Sally’s face flushes white in horror. Both women turn to leave, but are overtaken by Edwin, a small, energetic man dressed as one of the Lion King hyenas. Edwin is waving excitedly and bouncing up and down like a rabbit on crystal meth.)

Edwin: (Edwin’s eyes are shiny with enthusiasm. He begins speaking in an extremely loud, squeaky voice) Well, hello, hello little Miss! (he turns to Sally) Little Missy Dos! (Edwin chuckles at his own bilingual capabilities)

Lisa and Sally: (unenthusiastically) Hello Edwin.

Edwin: How do you ladies like the Convention so far? Isn’t it great? Isn’t it everything you thought it would be and more?

Lisa: It’s great Edwin.

Edwin: (energetically) Come on you guys! It’s practically perfect in every way! (giggles merrily at his Mary Poppins reference) I know it, and you know it!

Sally: (dully) The room sure is - (trails of in silence)

Lisa: (finishing Sally’s sentence) – really, really special.

Edwin: (in an excited high-pitched voice) I know! I decorated the entire ball room! Isn’t it perfect looking? I think we can all agree it is something that Walt would be proud of. (Edwin chokes up for a moment) That wonderful, beautiful, perfect man. I totally asked him on my Ouija board what color shorts he wanted Mickey to have. (gaining momentum, and now slightly out of breath) When the guy first made it, it was WAY orange. Like his pants and everything. And I told the guy, I said: “Guy, this is WAY orange!” And I told him that Disney makes little children smile, so he should redo the shorts the right color because that would make me smile!

Lisa: (sarcastically) That’s great that you’re using a Ouija board to make these kind of important decisions, Edwin.

Edwin: (earnestly) I know. I never make any major decision without consulting Walt’s spirit first. In fact just the other day –

(Edwin is cut off by the President of the Official Disney Fan Club. Lisa and Sally wear expressions of extreme relief. President Nick Barber, a man with greasy black hair, is wearing an elaborate Gaston outfit and raising his hand in the air (while flexing his biceps) in an effort to command the silence of the room)

Nick: Attention loyal Disney maniacs! (pauses for effect) Today, on this joyous celebration of unadulterated Disney worship and devotion, I am here to deliver to you, faithful followers, some terribly, terribly sad news.

(The room is now completely silent. Every single person is staring intently at Nick.)

Nick: (continuing) I know we were all looking forward to the release of The Little Mermaid IV: Ariel Battles the Eskimos, but it appears that the Disney Corporation has decided to keep that little treasure locked safely and securely within the Disney Vault for another ten years.

(The room erupts in angry panic. Lisa throws her Princess Jasmine tiara angrily to the floor. Sally looks as though she is about to cry.)

Nick: (loudly, in an effort to talk over the raging crowd of crazed Disney fans) In light of this information, we will be ending the Conference early. Please help yourself to some Mickey-shaped fruit snacks. They are quite delicious. (Nick hastily exits)

(A riot, started by a man scantily clad in a Peter Pan costume, consumes the Convention. Enraged fans begin to throw chairs at the giant Mickey statue. Edwin is huddled in the corner of the room mumbling over his Ouija board and crying.)

Scene 3 – Lisa’s House

(Lisa and Sally are seated on a large pink and green retro Mickey Mouse print couch. Disney’s classic “Aladdin” is playing on a small nearby television, but neither woman seems able to pay attention.)

Lisa: (while making frantic hand gestures) How could they do this to us? I would have done anything for Disney! I would have given them my first born child! And this is how they repay me?

Sally: I’ve been waiting for The Little Mermaid IV ever since we saw that preview for it during The Lion King 0.003! I was sure it was going to be an instant classic. Kind of like Macaroni and Cheese, except in the form of a classic Disney flick! Because everyone loves Macaroni and Cheese, right Lisa?

Lisa: (hungrily) Where is my damn Prozac? (screeching wildly) I need it NOW!

Sally: (Sally looks nervous before replying) We don’t have any more Prozac.

Lisa: (frantically) What do you mean we don’t have any more Prozac? You know how I get without it!

Sally: We had to sell it so that we could afford that vintage Goofy telephone, remember? It was so pretty and we had to have it.

Lisa: This is just unacceptable. I really want to pummel someone with my bare fists right now; however, I don’t think that would necessarily be appropriate.

Sally: (brightening) We could sing Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah! That always makes me feel better!

Lisa: I have a better idea. We are going to find the “vault” and infiltrate it ourselves. Only then can we rest our hands on the shiny cover of a brand new Little Mermaid IV .

Sally: (darkly) But how can we? No one has ever made it out of (eyes narrow) “the vault”. (dramatic pause) At least not alive. Plus, we don’t even know where it is!

Lisa: (in a hushed voice) Listen, Sally, I know I promised that I never would, but from time to time, (pauses hesitantly) I’ve ventured into the Disney Underground.

Sally: (aghast) Lisa! We vowed to each other that we would never go there. You know what goes on there. Disney isn’t pretend to those people. They will cut you.

Lisa: I’m sorry Sally. I’m not gonna lie; I saw things there that I wish I could forget. But this is important. When I was down there, I heard rumors. They say the “vault” is located in the darkest, most barren, isolated corner of the world: Montana. Just think of it, your very own copy of The Little Mermaid IV and any other Disney movie you could ever dream of are just a half dozen states away!

Sally: (worried) I don’t know. Montana is an awfully scary place.

Lisa: Don’t worry. There is a carefully placed network of Disney fanatics all across the country. We won’t have to carry this burden alone. (patting Sally on the shoulder) You just nibble on your commercialized high calorie count cookies and let good ol’ buddy Lisa do all the planning, okay?

Sally: (seems quite assured by this response) Okie Dokie. (pulls out another cookie and eyes it eagerly.)

(Lisa begins to work on her plans for the invasion of the Disney Vault. Sally stuffs cookies voraciously down her mouth like a hungry tiger.)

Scene Four – The Bus Stop of a small West Virginian town

(Lisa and Sally are about to board a large, derelict school bus.)
Sally: (whining) I hate school buses. Bad things always happen in them. Like this one time, in first grade -

Lisa: (interjecting in annoyance) Do me a favor Sally, and don’t talk for the rest of the trip, okay?

Sally: (more whining) But I’m tired, and I’m cold, and my feet hurt!

(Lisa is about to say something, but it is finally their turn to board the bus. The women find their seat on the back of the bus. Sally emits a loud, banshee-like shriek of terror. Lying in the middle of their seat is a piece of paper conspicuously covered in Mickey Mouse stickers. It reads in a childlike scrawl: “I know what you’re trying to do. You better stop or something bad will happen. Real bad.” Lisa and Sally exchange worried glances.)

Sally: How could they possibly know about our plan? We didn’t tell anyone!

Lisa: Don’t question the power of Disney. It’s all-knowing. Plus, it has spies everywhere. I wouldn’t be surprised if there is one on this bus right now! (eyes the other passengers suspiciously)

Sally: We’re going to get beat up! I just know it. I’m much too tender for this kind of thing. (her triple chins jiggle nervously)

Lisa: (assuredly) Nonsense! You’re much too fat to feel pain!

Sally: (brightening) Oh, okay.

Lisa: Anyways, we better go over “the plan” now. I think we should memorize it and then maybe you could eat it or something. That way it could never be traced back to us.

(Lisa pulls out an elaborate map of the United States. Various cities are marked with Mickey heads. A large skull sticker is planted over the state of Montana.)

Lisa: (to Sally) Every place that you see a Mickey sticker is a safe house for Disney fans. The bus will take us as far as Iowa (Lisa points at Iowa, designated by a large corn sticker). Babs agreed to take us in for a night there.

Sally: Isn’t Babs the one with Pocahontas tattooed on her forehead?

Lisa: Yes. I love that tattoo and I think I would stab my own mother for it.

Sally: (dreamily) Me too.

(Lisa sits silently in thought. Sally devours the map)

Scene Five – Babs’s House

(Corn surrounds the small house on all sides. Babs is waiting for Sally and Lisa as they approach her home. She has an unpleasant scowl on her face.)

Babs: (irate) What is the meaning of this? (Babs holds a piece of paper in the air. On the paper is a large picture of Elvis with a giant red ‘X’ crossed over his face. Scribbled across the top of the paper are the words: “You’re Next!”)

Sally: Maybe he’s advertising for his next concert!

Lisa: (sardonically) Elvis is dead, you moron.

(Sally eyes widen in a mixture of disbelief and horror.)

Babs: I want to know why someone is leaving threatening dead Elvis pictures on my front porch and I want to know now!

Lisa: (in a fake, surprised voice) I have no idea, Babs! And it really hurts me that you think I would have something to do with it!

Babs: (skeptically) Well, what’s in Montana? You never told me.

Sally: (in between bites of cookies) The Disney vault.

Lisa: You fat retard! This is why I never let you be a princess!

Babs: Are you two crazy? What would make you think that you could ever break into the Disney vault? (suspiciously) Are there drugs in those cookies?

Sally: (cradles the cookies protectively) We can’t afford drugs anymore!

(Babs doesn’t know how to respond to this remark, and instead turns to leave.)

Lisa: Listen Babs, we want The Little Mermaid IV. We want it real bad. Just help us out for one night, okay?

Babs: I will help you out for one night. But I swear on my Pocahontas tattoo, not a day more!

Scene Six – Babs’s Kitchen

(Sally enters the quaint kitchen in search of an early morning snack. Instead she finds Babs’s drugged body sprawled out on the floor. There is a message taped to her “Be True to Your Heart” Tarzan nightgown that reads: “This is only the beginning if you don’t do what we want!”)

Sally: (screaming) Lisa! You better get down here quick! Babs’s cold, lifeless body is on the kitchen floor!

(Lisa hastily runs down the stairs of the house and enters the kitchen. She observes Babs and then turns towards Sally.)

Lisa: Did you knock her out by accident? This kitchen is a little small and you’re a lot bigger than you think!

Sally: I swear I just found her like this. I think they did it! Look what’s taped to her pajamas!

Lisa: (rubs her hands together greedily) We must be getting really close. They’re getting nervous.

Sally: I think we should turn back. I don’t even want The Little Mermaid IV anymore!

Lisa: Listen to yourself, Sally! You don’t even know what you’re saying! Are you really going to let them rob you of the one think you have been desperately craving for the past three months? Are you going to let them steal your only chance to see Ariel beat up evil, carnivorous Eskimos?

Sally: (Sally thinks silently for a moment and then replies defiantly) NO! I’m not gonna take this anymore!

Lisa: Good girl. Now we better get going. I have plans to reach Montana by nightfall.

Scene Seven – An abandoned train station in Montana

(Lisa and Sally are the only passengers exiting from an old, iron train at the station. Sally points excitedly at a sign that reads: “Welcome to Montana”. The surrounding area is deserted flat land smothered in several feet of snow.)

Sally: (affectionately) I’ve always wanted to live in Montana. Home to the freshest air these nostrils have ever sniffed.

Lisa: And absolutely nothing else.

(Sally appears moderately offended, but a small tuft of wild daisies attract her attention.)

Lisa: Hurry up Sally. We don’t have time to admire the scenery. The vault is so close now, I can taste it. (Lisa licks her lips demonstratively)

Sally: Well, what does it look like? How are we supposed to know when we’ve found it?

Lisa: We’ll have to use our highly tuned Disney intuition. No doubt the vault will be extremely well hidden and protected.

(Lisa and Sally walk down a deserted dirt road, passing only farms and gun clubs. Then in the distance, a large, looming cave in the shape of a roaring tiger emerges.)

Sally: (pointing animatedly) Look! Just like in Aladdin!

Lisa: (bitterly) Yes, its all very original and subtle.

Sally: Who spoiled your sack of apples? We found the vault, didn’t we?

Lisa: I just thought that it might be a little bit more of a challenge.

Sally: Well, I’m sure its booby trapped or something. After all, there were all kinds of little tricks, and traps, and magic carpets and other stuff like that in Aladdin.

Lisa: (despairingly) I guess.

(Sally and Lisa approach the base of the vault. When they are within a foot of the tiger’s open mouth it suddenly moves. Sally squeals delightfully as it begins to talk. In a loud thunderous voice it asks: “What is Walt Disney’s least favorite color?”)

Sally: (jumps about excitedly before answering) It’s orange! He hates the color orange!

(The tiger’s mouth immediately opens. Sally appears to be living a lifelong fantasy. Lisa has a scowl on her face and follows Sally grudgingly inside. Inside the vault are stacks upon stacks of glossy cased Disney DVDs. Sally gleefully skips around the room from one DVD to another. Nonplussed by the trove of Disney artifacts and all the free DVDs you can shake a stick at, Lisa stands stubbornly in place.)

Lisa: (unhappily) That was ridiculously easy. Whoever set up this security must have had either a very small brain, or a very large brain tumor.

Edwin: (delightfully) Hello little misses!

(Sally and Lisa turn in horror to find Edwin standing calmly amidst the never-ending halls of the vault. He is dressed as Jafar, complete with robe, hat, and hypnotic serpent staff.)

Edwin: I see you’ve discovered my little secret.

Lisa: (in a tone mixed with confusion and horror) Edwin! What are you doing here?

Edwin: I live here you silly little thing.

Lisa: What do you mean you live here?

Edwin: I run the entire Disney Corporation from right here in this vault.

Sally: (in injured tone) So you were the one who was sending us all of those mean messages?

Edwin: (proudly) Yep! And I spelled all the words right and everything. (coolly) You guys thought I was so stupid, and all the while I was controlling everything with this (he lifts the hypnotic serpent staff), my sweet, precious little baby.

Lisa: (confusedly) What exactly is that?

Edwin: (giggles ruthlessly) You two are even more silly than I thought! (Edwin twists his fake Jafar goatee in thought.) I suppose there would be no problem in telling you the truth now. (he pauses dramatically) During my early years in college I developed an elaborate thesis statement concerning origin of Walt Disney. My quest for knowledge led me to one conclusion: Walt Disney was half alien.

(Lisa coughs loudly and circles her finger next to her head, signifying that Edwin is without a doubt quite a few cards short of a full deck.)

Edwin: (irritably) Stop making fun of me! You can’t make me feel bad about myself anymore! (he thrusts his staff deep into the pit of Lisa’s stomach with surprising force.) I’m not lying! This staff contains the only remaining piece of Walt Disney’s hair and with it I can control all of his quarter-alien offspring! They use there brilliant extraterrestrial brain power to come up with the amazing ideas for all of our Disney sequels.

Sally: (resentfully) Yeah, and who came up with the brilliant idea to keep The Little Mermaid IV away from the eyes of its adoring public? Did your little alien friends think that one up too?

Edwin: (spitefully) That was my idea. I had to redirect the budget of the movie (pauses) elsewhere. Unfortunately, I never suspected that you would actually make it as far as you have. And now that you know my secret, I can’t let you ever leave the Disney Vault. (emphatically) Ever. Now if you’ll both follow me –

Lisa: (sarcastically) Sure, I’ll follow you Edwin. And I’ll start talking to Ouija boards too, while I’m at it.

Edwin: I do not appreciate that tone Little Miss Sarcasm. Disney is a sarcasm-free community in case you haven’t noticed! Now you’ve made me angry, and I think I might do something unexpected. (Ethan waves the serpent staff dramatically in the air. It begins to emit a eerie, odious version of “If You Wish Upon a Star.”)

(Loud shuffling feet can be heard from down the dark halls of the vault. Slowly five middle-aged men march out in procession. One of them appears to be Barry Manilow.)

Edwin: (proudly) These are Walt’s children, and each and every one of them has the power to destroy you into a zillion teeny tiny pieces of nothing.

Sally: (excitedly pointing at Barry) Isn’t that Barry Manilow?

Edwin: Now you see why it was so imperative to eliminate Elvis. (giggling) I got him right in the back of the head with my staff. Barry was very pleased.

Lisa: I don’t believe any of this.
Edwin: Well believe it, sister! All of Walt’s kids became prominent, well-known public figures. (Wagging his finger at the chubbiest of the men) This is Charlie Bell, the CEO of McDonalds.
Sally: (mouth watering) McDonalds?
Edwin: Of course! Did you think Disney would sponsor other corporations for no reason? And Disney really donates money to starving children in Africa? And Santa Claus is real, and they all lived happily ever after?
(Sally nods head vigorously)
Edwin: I used to believe in things like that Sally; that is, until I learned “the truth.” (staring at Sally sadly) We are alike you and me. I really am truly sorry for what I am about to do.
Sally: You are a horrible man! I loved Disney with all of my heart, but I guess now the only people I can really trust are Lisa, myself, and Oprah.
Edwin: We own Oprah, you fat fool!
Lisa: (aghast) No! Not Oprah!
Edwin: I’ve had enough of this.
(Edwin whistles to Barry and Charlie who grab Sally and Lisa firmly by the arms. Lisa struggles madly, but Barry has a surprisingly strong grip. Edwin leads the group to a dark, shadowy corner of the vault. They soon realize that they are in front of an exact replica of the “It’s a Small World After All” ride.)

Edwin: For the past five years I have been cutting the production budget from Disney movies and building myself my own personal “Small World After All” ride, which is my absolute favorite ride of all time. Although the Tiki Tiki Room is a close second.

Lisa: (coldy) You disgust me.

Edwin: (ignoring Lisa’s comment) This ride is the happiest place on Earth, and it is also where you and your fat little friend will spend the rest of your lives, riding around and around and around in a small wooden canoe while listening to this wonderfully catchy tune over and over again.

(Edwin knocks Sally into the canoe with his staff and then pushes Lisa in with his round, chubby fists. Luckily Sally cushions Lisa’s fall. The ride begins and techno remix version of “It’s a Small World After All” begins to play. As the boat begins to move Lisa and Sally realize with revulsion that every single doll is a perfect miniature copy of Edwin.)

The End