Operation Russian Blue

Characters:

Laura Denny - Marries into the Walpole family; exudes a falsely sweet persona; determined to figure out the mysterious Walpole secret.
Miles Walpole - Laura's husband; youngest member of the Walpole family; enjoys food
Marge Walpole - Miles's older, outspoken sister; not fond of Laura; works as a writer for the show BooBahs
Eileen Walpole - The matriarch of the Walpole family
Oswald Walpole - Eileen's husband; suffers from a heart condition.


Scene One - The basement of the Walpole house

(The basement is dimly lit and dusty. Barbara Streisand’s Greatest Hits Volume 2 can be heard playing lightly in the background. Marge, Eileen, and Oswald Walpole are gathered together on two lumpy couches, talking quietly.)

Eileen: (tapping fingers lightly against her jaw) We have put off this dilemma quite long enough. It happens in a week and a half. We have to make a decision about Laura.

Marge: Refer to her as “the Enemy,” Mother. Don’t humanize her with a name. As for me, (slamming her fist into her hand viciously) I say we kill the little imposter. (Marge opens a large notebook to reveal a poster of a young woman. A large red 'X' has been drawn over her face and the word 'ENEMY' is written at the bottom)

Oswald: For goodness sake, Marge! What kind of daughter have we raised? I can’t even believe you would suggest that! (Oswald wheezes, grabs his chest, and begins coughing fitfully.) (To Eileen, in between coughs) This is all your doing. Letting her run off with new-age hippies so she can smoke pot and write those poems about how much she loathes us.

Eileen: (defensively) Now Oswald, Marge has always been a bit dramatic, (pauses, eyes shifting around the room) even before her little “experimentation” phase. I’m sure she would never really want to hurt Laura. (to Marge) (assuredly) Don’t listen to your father; I think all of your poems are beautiful, darling. And now look at you! You’re a successful writer!

Marge: (agitated) Please Mother, I don’t want to talk about my job.

Eileen: I don’t know what you’re so ashamed of. I think BooBahs is a great television show that encourages (pauses) creativity in children -

Marge: (exasperated) Mother, please!

Eileen: - and I don’t know why you’re always going on about how it’s not real writing. I for one find a lot of symbolism in their little “BooBah dances.”

Marge: (angrily) Mother! You know that I’m sensitive about BooBahs. Now I would appreciate it if we could please change the subject.

Eileen: Aww, Margie, I’m sorry! Give me a hug! (Eileen attempts to embrace Marge.)

Marge: (disgustedly) No, I don’t want to hug you. (Raises hands frantically in an attempt to stop her mother’s advances.) I’m very upset right now and you are never receptive to my needs. If it wasn’t for you-know-what, I wouldn’t even be here right now.
(Eileen gasps and rises to her feet.)
Oswald: (raising his voice) Speaking of you-know-what. (Oswald pauses. Marge and Eileen both look in his direction. Eileen sits back down.) That was the original intention of this conversation. The wedding is in ten days.
Marge: If we let her marry him she’ll find out about it. Laura will wait all of about five seconds to turn us over to the police.
Oswald: I hardly think that Laura would turn over her husband’s family to the police. She loves Miles. That has to count for something.
Eileen: (sighs) No, Marge is right. Laura doesn’t like us. But there’s really no way to stop the wedding. (Eileen muses for a few seconds. Her face brightens with excitement) Unless, (to Marge) do you still have any of that pot left? Or how about. (pause) What do the kids call it. (taps her fingers in thought) Acid?
Marge: Drugs won’t work on her. She’s much too evil. (matter-of-factly) I renew my original suggestion.
Oswald: Both of you are out of your minds. Laura is about as evil as Oscar the Grouch. She’s just a little bit (pause) abrasive when you first meet her. (decidedly) The only thing we can do is to let this wedding proceed and pray that Laura never discovers (eyes narrow) the truth.

Marge: Clearly, Dad, you’ve never actually watched the television show. Oscar pretty much runs the whole Sesame Street Underworld. So actually I’d say your comparison is quite accurate. Therefore, unless we want to invite a fire-breathing, hellion she-devil into our family, we have to thwart this wedding at all costs.

Eileen: (in an annoyingly condescending, maternal tone) Sorry Margie, but we really have no other options. There is no way to stop this wedding without hurting Miles. And this family was built on values like love (pats own heart several times) not hurt (clenches hand into karate chop position and hacks at the air for emphasis).

(Marge gives Oswald a what-in-the-word-is-she-talking-about look. Oswald looks back at Eileen clueless, but says nothing. Marge rolls her eyes.)

Marge: (sourly) Amateurs. (Murmurs under her breath as she exits) If you want something done, you have to do it yourself.

Eileen: (to Oswald) Since she’s come back home she’s gotten even more ridiculous.

Oswald: (tiredly) No. It’s the same old Marge.

(Oswald exits, leaving Eileen alone in the basement.)

Scene Two – A small lodge in rural New Jersey

(Guests are being served dinner at Laura and Miles’s wedding reception. Eileen and Marge are seated at a circular table with three other guests talking quietly amongst each other. Marge and Eileen sit in silence. Eileen occasionally casts sideways glances at Marge, who is tapping her fingers against the table in agitation. Eileen makes an odd gagging noise as she swallows another piece of her steak. Marge clenches her teeth in annoyance and increases the rate of her finger tappings.)
Eileen: (breaking the silence) This food is really great! (pieces of food fly out of her mouth into the air.)
(Marge gives Eileen a cold look and continues to tap her fingers loudly)
Eileen: (concerned) Are you upset about something Margie?
(Marge’s finger tappings, now at their fastest rate yet, abruptly stop. Marge looks up at Eileen in amazement.)
Marge: (in an exasperated tone) Yes, Mother, I would say something is wrong. Laura and Miles just got married. And maybe if you weren’t hacking away at that steak like you’ve never tasted cow before, you might consider the severity of our situation.
(Eileen opens her mouth to speak, but changes her mind and returns to her steak.)

Marge: (arms crossed) So I guess that’s it. She’s part of the family now. And you just let it happen without a fight.
Eileen: (between mouthfuls of steak) You know, you should really try this. It’s delicious.
Marge: Why aren’t you taking this seriously? (smugly) I am. I even have something special planned for later.
Eileen: What do you mean?
Marge: Remember what Laura and Miles’s song is?
Eileen: (sighs lovingly) My Heart Will Go On. (Eileen clasps her heart and begins to hum My Heart Will Go On in a loud off-tune tone.)

Marge: (makes gagging gesture with finger) What a classic. (contentedly) Luckily I fixed that little dilemma.
Eileen: (unsettled) What did you do?
Marge: (smiling malignantly) You’ll see. (Marge spies Laura and Miles chatting with a few friends.) Why don’t we congratulate the happy couple?
Eileen: Marge, it’s their wedding. We shouldn’t cause trouble. What if – (Eileen’s words go unheard. Marge is already walking towards Laura and Miles.)
(Marge soon arrives at Laura and Miles’s table. Eileen comes trailing after her. For a brief moment, Marge and Laura make eye contact. Laura’s left eye begins to twitch. Miles looks nervous.)
Laura: (in an extremely fake, nasal voice) Oh, hi Marge! Are you enjoying the reception?
Marge: You bet! (Marge smiles threateningly, scrunching her nose, crinkling her eyes, and revealing her fang-like teeth)
Laura: Hmm… well that’s super. And it’s great to see that you’re wearing your latest zebra kill! (Laura gestures to Marge’s outfit: a zebra-print power suit complete with hot pink stiletto heels.)

Marge: Well, I wanted to look snappy for your wedding. Don’t you think these zebra stripes are slimming Miles? (Turns about, running her hands down the fabric.)

(Miles opens his mouth uncertainly, but says nothing. Eileen has just arrived and is eager to change the subject.)

Eileen: Speaking of slimming, Laura, you look absolutely fabulous in that wedding dress. (convincingly)You must be eating your peas and carrots!

Marge: (snorts) Or Exlax.

(Eileen jabs Marge in the stomach with her elbow. Marge winces in pain, grabbing her rib cage dramatically.)

Laura: (ignoring Marge) Thank you Mom. (Eileen smiles uncomfortably at the maternal reference.) I have been working out lately. I’ve been taking this great yoga class. I feel as though it really cleanses my soul. (notices that her audience is losing interest) Well, Miles and I better get going. The DJ is about to play our song.

Marge: (in an exaggerated tone of excitement) What a treat! Celine Dion has always been my absolute favorite Canadian songstress!

Laura: Wow, thanks Sis.

Marge: Please, call me Big Marge. That’s what everyone in my poker club calls me.
Laura: (in a phony voice) Hmm… I’ll keep that in my mental lockbox for future reference. (Points to her head and winks)

Marge: (with a fake smile) Oh I bet you will.

(Laura drags Miles away to the center of the dance floor to prepare for their first dance as a married couple. Laura signals to the DJ who begins to play My Heart Will Go On. Laura begins to sing along to the lyrics while Marge watches on with a malevolent smirk.)

Laura: (singing in a shrill, nasal voice) Far across the distance, and spaces between us. You have come to show you go on. (Laura abandons Miles as a dancing partner and begins an elaborate dance routine complete with hand gestures) Neeeaar, faaaar, wheeereveeeer you –

(The music cuts off suddenly. Laura releases a piercing shriek of horror. Instead, Gangsta Paradise comes pounding through the speakers.)

Laura: (hysterically) My wedding is ruined! (In between sobs, Laura pulls at Miles’s arm.) Fix it Miles! Put Celine back on!

(A relieved-looking Miles escapes from Laura’s whines to go speak to the DJ. Marge is standing in the corner of the dance floor with a smug look on her face. For a fleeting instant she and Laura make eye-contact for the second time that night. A look of understanding and furor crosses over Laura’s face. Laura points to Marge and then pretends to slit her own throat with her finger suggestively.)

Scene Three – the family room of the Walpole house

(Marge, Eileen, and Oswald are seated on a large dandelion-yellow couch with red and blue flowers printed across the fabric. Oswald calmly reads the newspaper. Eileen chews on her nails nervously, while Marge stares straight ahead, her lips puckered and her eyes bulging out as though she is being force-fed a bag of lemons.)
Marge: (bitterly) Remind me again why she is coming? Don’t you think it’s a little bit risky to bring her into the house?
Oswald: It’s not like she has rabies Marge.
Marge: That’s not what I meant. (looks around the room suspiciously) (in a hushed voice) She’ll have access to the basement.
Oswald: The basement is locked Marge.
Marge: Locks can’t stop an untamed beast!
Eileen: (annoyed) Margie! Thanksgiving is my favorite time of the year. Look around you (Eileen gestures to her many Thanksgiving-themed decorations): turkeys, pilgrim hats, cornstalks. All symbols of this beautiful holiday. I won’t have you ruin it for me, Margie.
Marge: Mother –
(Marge is interrupted by the doorbell. Oswald, Eileen, and Marge open the door to a waiting Miles and Laura.)
Laura: (with an enormous smile on her face) Mom! Dad! Big Marge! Happy Thanksgiving family!
(Laura embraces Oswald, Eileen, and Marge. Marge struggles uselessly to release herself from Laura’s kung-fu grip.)
Laura: (in a rehearsed voice) Wow, your house is really nice! (batting her eyelashes) I baked you guys an apple pie. (Laura holds pie out in front of her proudly.)
Marge: (mockingly) Wooowwww, Laura. That pie almost looks delicious, (under her breath) for a wild animal.
Laura: Hmm…wow, Big Marge. You know exactly how to warm my heart. Just the sound of your voice makes me think of rainbows, lollypops, and kittens.
(Marge looks alarmingly at Eileen and Oswald. Eileen begins to chew her fingernails frantically. The tension in the room lightens when Miles breaks the awkward silence.)
Miles: (in a whining tone) Mom, where are the cookies?
Scene Four - The Walpole family kitchen
(Oswald, Eileen, Marge, Miles, and Laura are gathered around the table, prepared to eat Thanksgiving dinner.)
Eileen: Now Laura, we Walpoles have a very special family tradition. Every Thanksgiving we go around the table and name something we're thankful for. Oswald, why don’t you go first?
Oswald: (clears throat) I’m thankful for this wonderfully cooked dinner (winks at Eileen) and of course my loving family.
(Marge coughs loudly. Miles has already begun to devour a large portion of turkey, a side of mash potatoes, and a generous share of cranberry sauce. Eileen nudges him gently.)
Eileen: (to Miles) Your turn sweets.
Miles: (with a quizzical look on his face) I’m thankful for (pause) world peace (pause) and stuff. (puffs out chest proudly.)
(Oswald, Eileen, Marge, and Laura all stare at Miles with a concerned look on their faces.)
Laura: Hmm… I’m thankful for assault weapons. (Smiles sweetly. Everyone stares in silence.) Just kidding.
(The actual Thanksgiving dinner is quiet and uneventful. Throughout the meal, Marge continues to cast Laura suspicious looks and raise her eyebrows at Eileen and Oswald knowingly. After Miles finishes his fourth serving of turkey, the dinner is officially over.)
Laura: Time for dessert guys. Why don’t I get that delicious gourmet apple pie from the kitchen?
Marge: No, let me get it Laura. I don’t want you to inconvenience yourself. You’ve already done so much for us.
Laura: Hmm… wow. Thanks Big Marge.
(Marge exits and then returns with the pie. As she nears the table she “accidentally” drops the apple pie.)
Marge: (innocently) Oopsy Daisy.
(Laura’s arms flail into the air. As Marge bends down to clean up the destroyed pie, she sniffs at its remnants.)
Laura: (For the first time, Laura’s voice loses its nasal sweetness. Her voice becomes deep and hoarse.) What are you doing! (Laura controls herself. The sweet nasally voice returns.) Hmm… I mean, why are you smelling that pie?
Marge: (matter-of-factly) Checking for toxins. (Marge continues smelling the pie) Interesting. (Marge rubs pie crumbs between her fingers.) Tut. Tut. Tut. I think the results are pretty clear. (She smashes the remainder of the pie with her stiletto heel.)
Eileen: I guess that rules out apple pie à la mode.
Scene Five – Miles’s bedroom

(Miles is sitting comfortably on his bed with a plate of cookies. Laura is pacing his bedroom floor anxiously.)

Laura: (in a slightly hoarser version of the sweet nasally voice) She did it on purpose Miles. She dropped my beautiful, delectable, scrumptious, gourmet apple pie on purpose. Just like the wedding song. It was all her doing.

Miles: (between a mouthful of cookies) Uh huh. (nods head enthusiastically.)

Laura: (slamming her fist onto Miles’s desk) Exactly. And she’s going to pay for it. I’ll be damned if I let that pie-ruining hippie from Hell get away with this. (glancing up at a preoccupied Miles) Don’t you agree Miles?

Miles: (obliviously) What (pause) I (pause) what?

Laura: (the sweet nasally voice returns to its full potent power) Don’t you agree that Marge deserves to be punished? (as an afterthought) Dearest?

Miles: (remains clueless) Oh yeah. Right.

Laura: Hmm… I guess it might help if I could find some kind of place where Marge kept her personal things. You know, a place all to herself. I wonder where I could find such a place.

(Laura stares at Miles waiting for him to reply. Miles stares back oblivious to her intentions.)

Laura: (aggravated) Her bedroom Miles. Where is it?

Miles: Oh. That. Two doors down on the right.

(Laura chuckles evilly to herself and exits in search of Marge’s room)

Scene Six – Marge’s Room

(Laura enters a spacious yet noticeably bare room. The walls are a deep violet, splattered with hot pink paint. Laura rolls her eyes as she enters the room.)

Laura: (muttering to herself) Now where would good ol’ Margie hide incriminating information?

(Laura walks over to one of the only pieces of furniture in the room: a chestnut dresser. She carefully opens the top drawer to reveal a dozen or so BooBah shirts.)

Laura: (murmuring excitedly) What have we here? (inspecting one of the tee-shirts more closely) It appears to be a throng of overweight little puppets dancing around like wild banshees. What coke-huffing maniac came up with these things? (Remembers that she is in Marge’s room and chuckles to herself) I guess Marge really does do drugs.

(Laura continues to rifle through the dresser until she happens upon a small bronze key labeled ‘Basement.’)

Laura: Now I wonder what Marge could be hiding in the basement. (Giggles evilly as she exits the room.)

Scene Seven – The Walpole Kitchen

(Oswald, Eileen, and Marge sit around the large kitchen table talking quietly. A loud crash can be heard from the basement.)

Marge: (alarmed) Did you hear that? It’s the basement! I knew she would break in, that shrewd little armadillo!

Eileen: (unsuccessfully tries to hide her worried tone) Now let’s not jump to conclusions Margie. It could be anything.

Marge: Well I’m not waiting to find out.

(Marge runs to the basement door. Finding it unlocked, her eyes widen with horror. She runs frantically downstairs, followed by Eileen and Oswald.)

Scene Eight – The Walpole Basement

(When they reach the bottom of the stairs, Marge and Eileen stop dead in their tracks from shock. Laura is surrounded by dozens of tiny cats. She is stroking the largest of the undersized felines in her arms and cackling madly. When Oswald finally makes it down the stairs and sees Laura, he begins to wheeze and then faints. )

Eileen: (shocked) Laura, how did you get down here!

Laura: (Laura’s eyes are blazing and her usually well-maintained hair is wild with static.) Stay back or I'll pelt you with raw tuna. (holds out can of Fancy Feast cat food threateningly)

Marge: Laura, you don’t know what you’re doing!

Laura: Oh, I know exactly what I’m doing. I know all about your little freak show mutant teacup cat industry.

Eileen: (confused) But how? Operation Russian Blue is top secret!

Laura: (complacently) I have my connections. My brother sells illegally imported Cuban rugs on the black market. Plus I have a couple of friends in the New York Mafia. So, one day, my brother mentioned an interesting story he had encountered while making a recent deal: a family from rural New Jersey who genetically alters Russian Blues to keep them miniature-sized forever. When I discovered how lucrative your little business actually was, I knew I had to have piece of it. So, courtesy of my Mafia buddies, I arranged a little bump-in with Miles. A few months later, we’re married and I’m here. Everything has gone exactly according to plan.

Eileen: (sadly) My poor sweets. Just a pawn in your sick, twisted ploy. He was always such a good boy. He always –

Marge: (interjecting) Laura, I hope you know what you’re doing. Genetically mutating cats is a messy business. I’ve seen things that have scarred me forever.

Laura: (determinedly) I want a part in your heteromorphic mutant cat enterprise. And if you don’t give me what I want, I’ll kill this one. (Marge dangles the cat she had been holding by its left leg.)

Marge: (pleadingly) No! Not Humbah!

Laura: Then do as I say, or Hommibo gets it! (shakes Humbah again and giggles when the cat begins to squeal)

Marge: His name is Humbah! HOOM-BUH. He’s named after my favorite Boo Bah. The yellow one.

Laura: Yes, these Boo Bahs you speak of, I noticed the shirts in your dresser. They are quite (pause) colorful. (contemplates for a moment than drops Humbah) I wonder what the producers of your beloved children’s television show would think if they discovered that one of their writers was involved in an illegal mutant cat enterprise.

Marge: (raises fist angrily) You wouldn’t dare! Don’t bring the Boo Bahs into this!

Laura: Oh (pauses dramatically) but I would.

Marge: (despairingly) Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you. Just please, leave the Boo Bahs out of this.

Laura: (the sweet nasally voice returns) Perfect.

Scene Nine – Walpole Family Room

(Marge, Eileen, and Laura are seated together on the yellow couch with red and blue flowers.)

Laura: Okay, now that we’re a little bit more comfortable, why don’t you get those plans for Operation Russian Blue?

Marge: (Marge glances over at Eileen and then at Humbah shaking in the corner of the room) I suppose I could go get the plans. (pause) (Marge’s face brightens) In the meantime, why don’t you relax and enjoy an episode of the Boo Bahs? I know you’ll love it!

Laura: (extra-obnoxiously nasal voice) Hmm… wow Big Marge. That would be just delightful.

(Marge puts a Boo Bahs videocassette into the VCR and instantly the screen is filled with colorful, gumdrop-like puppets. Laura’s eyes become extremely large and she is immediately mesmerized by the show.)

Eileen: Good thinking Margie! You must be eating your Smarties!

Marge: As much as you’d like to believe it Mother, people do not become more intelligent by eating Smarties. (Marge glances down at Laura who is bobbing up and down in beat with the Boo Bahs) Now, what are we going to do about her? (Marge jabs Laura who begins sputtering out nonsense.)

Laura: Jumbabumbabah moomoo bah bah.

Eileen: (Eileen prods Laura a few more times. Laura remains non-responsive.) Maybe we should have her institutionalized or something. She doesn’t really seem right in the head.

Marge: She never really seemed right in the head to me.

Eileen: Well, the important thing is that Operation Russian Blue is safe.

Marge: Yes, thanks to me.

Eileen: No, thanks to the Boo Bahs. I told you there was something mesmerizing about their little dances.

Marge: (looks skeptically at Laura who is now crawling around the floor and drooling) Indeed.

The End